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MagellanMusic Newsletter #0.56!
August 2004
There is a lot of good news to report this time, but most impressive is the MagellanMusic announcement of finally releasing the very first album by the notorious Phanus Phallus Phobias - and it is called “Greatest Sh!ts!” It is a compilation, and it has been in the making for a long, long time. It contains 26 tracks, all re-mastered, treated with many additional sound effects, and each song will appear on the CD in chronological order. For those who have listened to advance copies, hilarity is the word! Phanus has been around almost as long as MagellanMusic itself, and everyone is ecstatic that this is finally their first to be officially released. (The rumor that ear plugs will be included with each disc is not true!) They are now available at www.CDbaby.com. To purchase the CD, CLICK HERE! All transactions are fully protected, but best of all CD Baby will ship it to you right away.
It also appears that MagellanMusic is finally achieving international distribution. Due to the numerous, confusing, embarrassing uses of the word ‘Magellan’, MagellanMusic is now fully established as their ‘official’ name. In the process of these efforts, their releases (even as a reference source) have been included in major music websites, as well availability of their music online through various music services. This is extremely exciting! After nearly 30 years of efforts MagellanMusic is finally achieving notice that they have long deserved. Here is a list of sites where MagellanMusic can be found for sales, news, and online listening:
Most notable is that MagellanMusic will also be available soon at Amazon.com. The online music services that CD Baby is associated with and where MagellanMusic (and virtually every band/artist) can be heard is:
Be sure to try some of these sites. They are a great way to find new music! Thanks to these services there is no limit to how far you can now reach. No longer do the greedy practices of American record companies control what you hear. You are likely to find groups or artists who are absolutely superb, that you have never heard of (not including the Indies), many who are from Europe. We’re sure that many are to be confounded as to why we have been denied such artists and their music, but it comes down to denial of distribution rights in America. Online music eliminates that problem; it opens up a whole new catalog of music for us. Very exciting!
NEWSFLASH: MagellanMusic will soon be offering autographed sheets of used toilet paper! They will be only $5.95 per sheet and money will be donated to the "Conservative Hypomanic Egomanic Idiotic Dimwit Club" of blessed third rate politicians. You can be assured that monies will be provided to their campaign funds (as well as lunch at 5 star restaurants and occasional street sex on Lower Broadway). There is no limit to the number of sheets you may purchase, and we need your support! Be assured that we will always be full of sheet!
In addition to the wider audience that MagellanMusic now receives, other artists will be included. Phanus Phallus Phobias is a definite. Another strong possibility is The Pterodactyl Club. It’s not confirmed, but rumor has it that much of their catalog is to be re-issued. Group spokesman Aristede du Zvoka commented,” L sa~io *<o]43 sd+rb \\\///= vm ]*44;m&fd EEE!!! AAA!!!! 1g^hraL#fFf!Ffeg _aMa zzzzZzzzz!3;’jt with an x at the end.” (translation: “Yes!”) Some of the following should soon be available on CD:
“Suckin’ on a Qualuude”
“Watchin’ the Boys Go Bi”
“I Seconal That Emotion”
“Mighty Morphine Power Wranglers”
“The Valium of the Dolls”
“We Never Called It Mary Jane So Shut Up and Pass the Joint!”
“If You Can Pay Attention, Pay Me Too”
“My Checking Account Is Emptier Than Your Brain”
“Take A Hormone And You’ll Hear A Whore Moan”
In addition, new rumors indicate a brand new album by The Pterodactyl Club is in the works. Since this hasn’t happened since the Pleistocene era of ancient history, the alleged title is “Wow! I Have A Thumb!” We will announce any releases as soon as they are available.
NEWSFLASH: In recent times, President Dankcellar of Haiti was forced into the heated call for resignation. Haiti’s history is unfortunately riffed with political turmoil, but the current President is known for his perseverance. He stood steadfast against the potential violent reaction to his resignation refusal. The following statement is reputed to be his ‘unofficial’ response: “I, Aristede du Zvoka will never resign! NEVER! I refuse! I will NOT step down. I -- let go of me! Unhand me I say! I demand that you release me at once you vulgar, obnoxious, insipid, vacuous idiots! I hate you! I hate your guts! You are creepy, slimy, dirty, filthy, rotten, nasty little bastards and I hate you! I hate your guts! Your Mothers too! I deman-…” Aristede has never been heard from since.
MagellanMusic recently received a wonderful letter from our most avid fan. His name is “Zimp”, and he’s loved MM for so long that we like to keep track of his latest activities. We have no clue who Zimp is, but here is his letter:
Dear Beulah,
It was/is a lovely island. I told my shoe to take a left turn one day and I sat on a bench. I was only in the Court room for 30 minutes. Hell, that was “1934”. Just think if I had Kleptomania on Wednesdays!
Weather has been strange; you order eggs, they come scrambled. Then it rained, and it smelled weird; I almost looked purple. Sounded like a good album title won't it? Rain Purple. If it fit I'd smoke it.
Busses here are pretty weird too. I asked it a question and maybe it answered. When it asked me where I was going I said, "Guess." The Bus said, well, it didn’t say anything. I said, "Ok." I took a taxi to the next street corner. That's when I walked in backward into the coffee shop and had a Pepsi. Nice window they had too, I could actually see through it (my elbow scratches). I saw some rocks. They were very quiet, but I like Rock so I eight a Roll. Phanus Phallus Phobias sounds like a wart but they are my favorite fans (especially on a hot. Day).
When that airplane flew over I waved. Anyway, as I was walking down the street the telephone rang. Somebody was not in the booth. It rang and rang and rang. After about 10 rings (when I'd lost count at 20) I picked it up and said, "Hello?" He sounded American because I couldn't understand when he was saying; something like "ngot". That's what I told him, "You've ngot the wrong number." I hung up.
It reminded me of the time I'll be leaving soon.
I'll be home when this letter arrives, so I'll check it for errors before you open it again. If I could come home by femail I’d be flat wouldn't it? Okay.
Love,
Zimp
NEWSFLASH: Vince Pompanelli has just announced a spectacular dish soon to be served at “Perry’s Penile Palace” called Sautéed Bulldick. Vince says it’s superb, the most creamy, succulent, moist, tender piece of meat he’s ever had. (And he’s had plenty!...)
NEWSFLASH: It is rumored that AAA Marrz is writing a new book based on Theologic Theorems of Universal Zen called “1001 Ways To Poop”. We know that pooping is one of AAA’s great passions of life, and he has spent many years studying the quintessential Quantum Matrix of its divine pleasures. There are no additional details, but since trillions of pounds of Poop are generated by this planet everyday his book will no doubt be equally relevant. We are also told that “1001 Ways to Poop” will be available online soon at www.MarrzPoop.org(asm).
On the subject of books, we have been informed recently that “Chocolate Covered Cogbigs” is a book soon to be published by MagellanMusic Enterprises. It is said to be the lifelong work of the mystic Buddhist Yafwa Norpo Oon Elpa. He is from Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso (formerly Upper Volta), which borders Togo and Benin, Mongolia, three of the most illustrious, distinguished, glamorous, poverty stricken areas of the world. This book is a spiritual study of the mystic concepts of “Buttch”. It is of enormous, measureless, non-entropic vista. It deals with Gas Expulsion. It is so large a conceptual, mystical realization that even Yafwa is at times an overwhelming presence. “Buttch” is so enrapturing with psychologically mystic revelations that many of his followers approach the mystic realm of Spiritual Buttchhood. When Yafwa is visited by his minions they bow before him. If they are worthy of his attention they must expel gas. If so, they are given Chocolate Covered Cogbigs.
As the Cogbigs are chewed in Meditation, Yafwa speaks: “You must eat 14 chocolate covered cogbigs every 14 seconds, every 14 minutes, every 14 hours, every 14 days, every 14 weeks, every 14 months, every 14 years, every 14 decades, every 14 centuries, and you will come to understand Buttch. You will learn the Buttch is Everything, and Everything is Buttch. You will learn that Buttch is Cogbigs, and that Cogbigs are Buttch. And in order to understand Buttch, you must eat 14 chocolate covered cogbigs every 14 seconds, every 14 minutes, every…”
(That goes on for about an hour. Since it has been revealed that ‘chocolate covered cogbigs’ are actually chocolate covered RAISINS(!), there’s no wonder that Yafwa is so fat that he looks like Jabba the Hut’s father. After the ingestion of so many Mystic Raisins he usually begins Mystic Teachings of Mystic Diarrhea. Before his minions join his esteemed Mystic Presence they have to buy a weight loss program for $129.95 a month, see, which is why Yafwa owns Sri Lanka. Mystical shithead isn’t he?)
Weather in Moratuwa (GottaGoWaTuDaStora), Sri Lanka: Clear and sunny today with highs in the upper 80’s, lows in the lower 80’s, humidity around 80%, breezes from the west, with occasional chances of thunderstorms. You can apply this same forecast for the next 3 months. You’re welcome.
NEWSFLASH: A New TV show featuring new characters Captain Klang-A-Ru and Mr. GreenSpleen, said to begin broadcasting in February of 2005, has been cancelled.
The MagellanMusic Newsletter will soon be featuring “The Adventures of Madame Zorkov”. It is a wild, insane, quirked, neurotic, psychotic, demented, idiosyncratic, idiot whammed, jumblehoo of alcohol madness and social brawl that mirrors exactly day-to-day life in the Bush White House! It is the invention of two seriously, emotionally disturbed members of the band who now have new names in order to remain anonymous – Per Zsoerbin and Vlad Jensen. (This insipid inanity was written to wile away their time while at “Phil’s Mental Institution”)
Here it is!
Episode One:
"...Madame, if you cannot recite the vows you made when -"
"Oh shut up you bastard! You're as ugly as a bull's ass with diarrhea. If someone had been stupid enough to marry you they would have been sorry for it too."
"But Madame, we are talking about Murder. Have you ever heard of that? That's when somebody takes another persons life. Law everywhere says it’s illegal. Some fools, some of which are drunken wenches who shall remain nameless but whose initials are M.A.D.A.M.E.Z.O.R.K.O.V, are conceited enough to believe they are above it. Does your poop not stink?"
Madame Zorkov looked at Detective Havelski as though she could spit acid. She cleared her throat. She coughed, then reached for the small trash can by the couch she was sitting on and spit a big wad of lung muck big enough to challenge a baseball. The Madame looked squarely at Havelski and said, "That's my opinion of you." She didn't take her eyes off Havelski, as if to challenge his willpower. Silence filled the room (as did the deadly aroma of someone’s silent gas emission). All that could be heard was a fly crawling on the wall. The Detective slowly reached up and rubbed his eye, then stuck his index deeply into his nose and removed a grotesque snotwad. Havelski flicked it at the wall, which made a sickening splat sound. The fly disappeared after vomiting. He didn't take his eye off Madame Zorkov (the other eye looked for the fly), and the revolting glint in his stare happened to be very blight in such a dark room. The Madame's sudden state of disgust spoke so loudly that her decrepit attitude had been challenged. He said, "That's my opinion of you."
Madame Zorkov asked her humble servant, “Bring me a Martini dahling!” (She belched)
More next week! Same time, same station, on "BUT MADAME!..."!
Thanks for stopping by everyone! See you next time!
(Just remember to bring some fresh underwear, alright??)
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